RESOURCES AND COURSES
To Reduce Stress, Embrace Your Inner Type-B by Victor Lipman.
Overtly, most of us say we dislike stress. But often we unconsciously hold on to it, thinking:
This is the way real leaders act.
Stress and I have had a long, complicated relationship. Early in my career, it often felt like my naturally lower-stress, quiet management style was an impediment to advancement.
Many years ago, as a young man being considered for executive ranks at a Fortune 500 company,
I found myself having the same odd conversation, with only minor changes in phrasing, with several senior executives on different occasions. When discussing my future, the dialogue went like this:
Senior executive: “I just don’t know about you. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but you don’t seem like a manager. You just don’t seem like executive material.”
To which I’d normally respond: “Why — what is it that makes you say that?”
The answer would be: “I don’t know … you seem too quiet, too soft-spoken, too calm — not authoritative enough.”
Back then I was managing sizable projects like the company’s annual report, working with CEOs, CFOs, and the like, so I’d ask: “But doesn’t it make more sense not to judge my personality, but to judge results? Do people generally like working for me? Do I get things done?”
And the concluding answer would be: “Yes, that’s true, but I still just don’t know … .”
I came to think of my laid-back, low-stress style as a managerial disability, a low-grade but chronic management disease I had to overcome if I were to succeed. (I eventually ended up working in management over two decades and becoming a vice president.)
But this isn’t about me — it’s about the lens we routinely use to view managerial talent.
Over my decades in business I worked with and observed a similar dynamic time and time again: classic high-octane Type A’s (aggressive, impatient, with high stress levels) most often ended up with top leadership roles while classic lower-volume Type B’s (calm, patient, more laid back), who were nonetheless extremely capable, ended up in lesser positions. When it comes to talent assessment, it seems we tend to make decisions with blinders on, defaulting to an expected model of high-stress, high-intensity leadership.
There are two big problems with this. First, when unchecked Type A behavior creates a persistently stressful environment for the team, it’s a recipe for employee disengagement. Yes, there are Type A individuals who are among the most admirable people I’ve had the privilege to know: brilliant, boundless energy — keen judges of character who achieved off-the-charts performance.
But we all also know high-intensity managers who can be counted on to deliver a tough project but leave a trail of bodies in their wake. Ultimately, that’s not an efficient long-term model.
Ideally, employees will want to come back for more next week, and in the weeks and months after that. Over time, a chronically stress-packed management style breeds burnout and turnover.
The best management is sustainable. Stress isn’t. Managers with high stress levels pass that stress along to others. Everyone in their immediate orbit feels it, and the simple fact is people don’t do their best work while anxious.
Second, it’s unfortunate for all the potentially excellent Type B managers out there who are being overlooked because they haven’t earned their stress merit badge. This can frustrate talented individuals, especially if they have an interpersonal skill set that lends itself to building strong relationships and gaining the loyalty of others. And from an organization’s standpoint, outstanding managers aren’t exactly in such abundant supply that we can afford to needlessly limit the pool.
Most of us, of course, aren’t exclusively Type A or Type B personalities, but possess elements of both. We can consciously cultivate calmness, turning down the A volume a bit while turning up the inner B.
Doing so brings changes that are both physical and emotional; the beneficial effects have been well documented since Drs. Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman began identifying and defining Type A and Type B personalities in cardiac studies back in the 1950s. At the same time there’s a ripple effect: a reduced-stress work environment invariably is welcomed by employees.
More relaxed behavior sometimes presumed to be unleaderlike can yield improved leadership results.
To this point, I still remember a discussion I had years ago with a sports marketing executive who reported to me. She was highly experienced and capable and had grown tired of what she viewed as my overactive involvement in her operations. (Truth be told, Type B managers aren’t immune from lapsing into occasional micromanagement!) “You know, when you’re managing creative people,”
she said to me, “you’ll get the best results if you just tell them what to do, not how to do it.
Just give good strategic direction and then let them figure out the best way to solve the problem.”
When I moved backward she moved forward, with renewed energy and productivity.
It was good counsel and I used it often, when circumstances called for it.
Of course, a low-stress Type B management style needs to be combined with high standards and strong results-orientation. A low-stress approach will get you nowhere, except likely out of a job, when combined with low results. But when backed by a solid commitment to quality and excellence, and supported by motivated employees who appreciate less stress in their working lives,
that’s a highly productive combination.
What about YOU?
What type are you?
What kind of lens do you use to view managerial talent?
What are the assumptions coming through your mind?
What is the old belief about those thoughts?
What is your next move to improve your next professional stage?
I look forward to read how you embrace your inner leadership Type, and I will join you in the comments section of the article.
Happy Holiday Season!
This is to wish all of my readers the very best for the Holiday Season.
I also wish that 2016 brings everything that you, your family and your friends hope for.
Sending love,
Tombo Coaching Consulting
THE EXHILARATING RETREAT
I'm very happy to announce my upcoming co-leadership with Ilse Noppen.
This project provides me with a lot of sparkles and it lift my energy up to the next level to empower together with Ilse our upcoming tribe.
We're organizing a retreat for women that have already established their professional development, it's about women that has entrepreneurship in her veins.
During this retreat we both will empower them to be stronger connected with their essence and their inner leadership...
Find above the flyer and feel free to share this to other women that could benefit of this exceptional experience where they will belong to a WOMEN community.
More details will be announced in March 2016.
Sending love,
Ilse & Arsenia
Today's headline: A simple formula for changing our behavior by Peter Bregman
“Whoa! What are you doing?” I asked aghast.
I had just walked into my daughter’s room as she was working on a science project.
Normally, I would have been pleased at such a sight. But this time, her project involved sand.
A lot of it. And, while she had put some plastic underneath her work area, it wasn’t nearly enough. The sand was spreading all over our newly renovated floors.
My daughter, who immediately felt my displeasure, began to defend herself. “I used plastic!” she responded angrily.
I responded more angrily, “But the sand is getting all over!”
“Where else am I supposed to do it?” she yelled.
Why won’t she admit when she’s done something wrong? I thought to myself. I felt my fear, projecting into the future: What would her life look like if she couldn’t own her mistakes?
My fear translated into more anger, this time about how important it was for her to admit mistakes, and we spiraled. She said something that felt disrespectful to me and I raised my voice.
She devolved into a crying fit.
I wish I could say this never happened before. But my daughter and I were in a dance, one we have, unfortunately, danced before. And it’s predictably painful; we both, inevitably, end up feeling terrible.
This is not just a parenting dance. I often see leaders and managers fall into predictable spirals with their employees. It usually starts with unfulfilled expectations (“what were you thinking?”) and ends in anger, frustration, sadness, and loss of confidence on both sides. Maybe not crying.
But the professional equivalent.
I’m always inclined to ask: Why do I react the way I do? The answer is a complicated fusion of reasons including my love for my daughter, my desire to teach her, my low tolerance for messiness, my need to be in control, my longing for her success, and the list goes on.
But it doesn’t really matter.
Because knowing why I act a certain way does not change my behavior. You would think that it would. It should. But it doesn’t.
The question that really matters – the hard question – is how do I change?
First, I need a better way to respond to my daughter. For this, I went to my wife, Eleanor, who is truly a master. I asked her how I should have handled it.
“Sweetie,” she said, role playing me in the conversation with my daughter, “There’s a lot of sand here and we need to clean it up before it destroys the floors, how can I help?”
Simple and effective:
- Identify the problem
- State what needs to happen
- Offer to help
That’s a great way to handle it. Think about any problem you face with someone at work.
I don’t suggest you start the conversation with “Sweetie,” but the rest is applicable.
I watched a manager get angry at a direct report (we’ll call him Fred) for a sloppy, unclear presentation he gave. The manager was right — the presentation was unclear — but the way he responded damaged the employee’s confidence and Fred’s next effort wasn’t much better.
Instead, he could have tried this:
“Fred, this presentation made six points instead of one or two. I’m left confused. It needs to be shorter, more to the point, and more professional looking. Would it help if we talk about the point you’re trying to make?”
No frustration. Not even disappointment. Just clarity and support.
Another time, I watched as a CEO got annoyed at his direct reports for presenting plans that were not reflective of the budget commitments they had made. His emotion was understandable. Appropriate, even. But not useful. An alternative might have been:
“Folks, these plans don’t reflect the budget numbers we agreed on. Those numbers are non-negotiable. If you want, you can let me know where you are getting stuck and we can brainstorm solutions.”
Identify the problem. State what needs to happen. Offer to help. Simple, right?
But – and this is the strange part — in my situation, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
As I thought about it, I realized my impediment.
It didn’t feel authentic.
I believe strongly in leading and living with authenticity. And I was angry and worried about my daughter’s future. So responding calmly, in that moment, would represent a disconnect between how I felt and how I acted. That’s inauthentic.
Which is when it hit me: Learning — by definition — will always feel inauthentic.
Practicing a new behavior, showing up in a new way, or acting differently, feels inauthentic. Changing a dance that’s been danced many times before will never feel natural. It will feel awkward, fake, like pretending. The hedge fund manager was angry, the CEO was annoyed. Not expressing those emotions feels fake.
But it’s much smarter, more likely to compassionately teach the people around us, and a better approach to getting them to reverse their ineffective behaviors.
If we want to learn, we need to tolerate the feeling of inauthenticity long enough to integrate the new way of being. Long enough for the new way of being to feel natural. Which, if the new way of being works, happens sooner than you would think.
Yesterday, my daughter was doing homework late at night and I had to ask her to work in the dining room instead of her bedroom because her younger sister needed to go to bed.
But, before I did, I paused. I empathized with the challenges she would feel, being asked to leave her room for her sister. Being asked to do her difficult homework in a place that wasn’t as comfortable.
“Sweetie,” I said, “Your sister needs to go to sleep and we need to move you into the dining room. How can I help?” Identify the problem, state what needs to happen, and offer to help.
It felt weird. Like I was being overly solicitous. Fake.
But it worked.
After I helped her move, she quickly got back to her work.
Then, as I was walking out, I heard her say “Dad?” I paused at the door and looked back at her. “Thanks,” she said, without looking up from her book.
Today's headline: mental insights
I would like to share with you some mental insights that helps me with my leadership journey.
It confirms strongly how coaching, martial arts and leadership are part of my kokoro (heart) quest. I thought it might help you as well in your journey.
When competing all the “mental game” is about not thinking about winning and not losing either; it’s about staying in the present. We train to connect to our peaceful strength, where the heart connects everything through our energy canals. This is something you achieve through many hours and years of practice looking to your own mirror and do your best.
If you’re pure and connected to yourself you can overcome the false mind, the realm of the ego
(4 poisons: fear, doubt, surprise and confusion).
When we co-lead it’s the same. It’s not about starting to think about the family issues, kids, being hungry, party, dinner with friends,…
It's about daring to suspend, staying in the present with the people around us, within their spaces, ours and “the space”.
The precious thing in co-leadership is that we’re not alone, we have a co-leader that is there to complement our energy, back up if needed. He's there to empower our impact together in the room.
In competition you also need a clear mind & commitment.
It’s about caring first about what you need to be in your best shape; your environment, your health, your food through a day competition and those that followed the upcoming months and years. Through polishing yourself through practices your body, spirit and mind are assimilating the movements so afterwards during the competition your body moves and reacts instinctively.
You don’t have time to analyse and start to have a philosophical chit chat with yourself about what is the best move once you’re competing. If you do so you lose and give a nice opportunity to your opponent.
In leadership we also practice, explore, experiment and once we’re on the stage, you play with it.
You use your accordion panel with your different IAM types, see the different screens in one, stay connected with your partner, sail smoothly and sometimes not, stay and be sharp in your responses.
I wish you good luck to tune in with the different partitions in different spaces, explore the paradoxes and polish your personal shape of your leadership style.
Below an interesting video (EN) where you can see this process of mental preparation, commitment of my fan Naoko Eiga in order to be the captain of the Japanese team at the WKC 2003.